Gavin Tyler Harris

I've been trying to decide the best way to do this blog, and I've decided I want to write letters to Gavin, so that when he's older he can read them and know how hard he fought to be here, how bad we wanted him, and that he is here for a reason. So I guess I'll start from the beginning!

Dear Gavin,

First I want you to know how much I love you, I've waited for what feels like forever to be your mom. I couldn't get pregnant for awhile so I went and saw a doctor who told me that my hormone levels were off balance and I had to take some medicine to fix it.. two months later I found out I was pregnant! (I'm trying to write this so that it wont make you want to throw up from TMI! :) I was so excited I couldn't believe it!

 I called the doctor as soon as I found out and I thought that I would never make it to 8 weeks to see your heartbeat! Finally, January 3rd came and we got to see you!

I had to get a blood test every week until I was 12 weeks pregnant to make sure that my levels were staying where they should be.. you should thank me for that since before you, I was terrified of needles! (Don't worry, you have cured me of that!)

 I called the place in the mall where we could find out if you were a boy or a girl to see the earliest we could go..14 weeks! (which just happened to be Valentines day..best Valentines day present ever!) Everyone knew you were a boy already, we just wanted to see for sure!

I'm not going to lie, being pregnant wasn't my favorite thing. Mostly because I would stress out about every new ache or pain or feeling! I was so scared something would happen to you. At around 20 weeks I finally started to calm down..but the day I hit 23 weeks I started spotting. (this is where it might get to be TMI!) So I went into the hospital and they checked you and you were great! Your heartbeat was good and you were moving like crazy! So they told me if the spotting got worse to come back in. The next night it got worse so we went back in. They checked you again and you were perfect! So they decided to check me. When they told me that I was dialated 3cm I just started shaking and crying, I wanted you here but not yet! They gave me a steroid shot to help your lungs develop faster in case you came and they started calling hospitals in Provo and Salt Lake because there isnt a NICU in Delta. All the hospitals they called wouldnt take me since they dont consider a baby viable until 24 weeks, so they decided to try to keep me pregnant as long as possible and try to get me up north. Dr. Shamo is the best and he put me on antibiotics and Nifedipine to try to slow things down. That was the longest night of my whole life, I was so scared that you would come.

The next morning Dr. Shamo came in and told us that our prayers had been answered and he didn't know how they had even known to call him but a doctor at Utah Valley would take me. 20 minutes later I was in an ambulance on my way and your dad was following right behind us! We got to the hospital and they had us meet with a periontologist who did an ultrasound and told us that I hadn't dialated anymore, but my water was bulging out of my cervix and you were breech, so if you did come anytime soon it would have to be by C-section. They decided to keep me on the antibiotics and Nifedipine and keep me on strict bed rest. At that time they told me that I would probably just be in bed for the next three months in the hospital. That night they had Dr. Cheatam, one of the neonatologists met with us just to let us know what to expect in case you did come that week. It was scary but we never imagined that you would come that week, let alone the next morning.

At about 3AM I woke up to alot of pain, and from there the contractions started. They upped my dose of nifedipine and put me on Magnesium through an IV. They told me if I started to feel pressure I needed to tell them because it could mean that you were coming and they would have to do the C-section right away. It was amazing how prepared they were when I told them I felt pressure, they checked me and I was dilated 7cm and what felt like 15 minutes later I was on the operating table getting an epidural. I'm so thankful to the nurse who talked me into staying awake.. I was determined to be put completely out, I was just overwhelmed and scared. She told me to reconsider because she didn't want me to regret not being awake in case anything happened to you. Once they got going they told me that my placenta had ruptured, but they couldn't determine why it ruptured or why I went into labor so early, and they will probably never know. I'm so glad I was awake and able to watch your dads face during the whole process. I knew exactly when he saw you for the first time, And I knew you were here. He was terrified because he saw what he thought was your arm and thought "Oh my gosh his arm is so little!" And then your foot was attached and he realized it was your leg! You were born one day after our two year anniversary, April 22, 2014 at 10AM at 23 weeks and 3 days gestation. You weighed 1 pound 7 ounces but that didn't stop you from trying to breath and move and cry! Your dad went with you while they got you stabilized and brought you into the NICU. I didn't get to see you for about an hour but they wheeled my bed into the NICU so that I could finally see you. I already loved you but seeing you for the first time was so amazing and I loved you more than I ever thought that I could even imagine! You were so tiny I couldnt believe it, and they had you in a plastic bag to keep your heat in and keep you humid because your skin was so under developed.

You were also born the day before your uncle Brett got home from his mission, so that made things kind of crazy! I called Grandma Lori at 3am the day you were born and she drove straight to the airport and made it a few hours after you were born. She stayed that night and then flew back to California at 6am so that she would be there when Brett got home. When Brett got off the plane they picked him up and drove straight here to see us! He wasn't even released yet, which worked out great for us because he was able to give you a blessing as a full time missionary. The blessing he gave you was the best blessing I've ever heard! It is really what keeps me going and staying so positive. He told you that Heavenly Father was holding you, he blessed your doctors that they would know what they needed to do to help you get better, and he told you that you would leave the hospital as the healthy little boy that Heavenly Father intended for you to be. I wish I would have thought to record the whole thing so that I could remember all of it. When things get hard I just remember those words, it's hard to watch you get poked and have tubes and wires all over, but I know that you will get better and that makes it a little easier. It just worked out that Brett's stake president, President Marshall, was in Provo the next day so Brett was released in the hospital. 

They let me stay in the hospital for 5 days since I had a C-section, but leaving the hospital and not being downstairs from you anymore was tough. Our awesome friends Clint and Stefanie Severson have a condo just down the road from the hospital and are letting me stay there so that I can be close to you still..I'll really never be able to thank them enough! One of the hardest parts about this is that your dad has to go back to Delta for work. His schedule is ten days on and 4 days off, so he comes up on his days off. He calls the hospital and checks on you all the time when I'm not there and is always calling and texting me to make sure you're ok.. he loves you so much!

I remember one morning you were maybe 3 days old they told us that your hemoglobin had dropped really fast and they thought that you had a brain bleed, they thought that since it had dropped so fast that it was going to be at least higher than a level 2 bleed. They did a brain ultrasound and we waited for the results.. I prayed really, really hard. I went up to the NICU by myself and when I got up there they told me that there were NO bleeds!! I was so excited, I couldn't walk very fast, but that time I ran down the halls and downstairs to tell your dad the good news! You have received so many answered prayers, its amazing.

When you were about 5 days old you became the youngest and tiniest baby that they had ever taken off of a ventilator. They were pretty sure that they would have to put the breathing tube back in but you were doing so good they wanted to see if you could do it. You breathed on your own for TWO days! No one could believe it. Nurses were coming by to look at you and Dr. Minton was taking pictures of you! After two days you got too tired and they didn't want to wear you out so they put the breathing tube back in. Again, you are amazing!

When you were 6 days old I got to hold you for the first time. Nothing will ever compare to that! No one could believe that I got to hold my 6 day old baby but it was just what I needed.

Another miracle was your PDA. Its a valve that everyone has and its right by your heart, usually with full term babies it will close, but with tiny babies like you, they don't close on their own. It kept getting smaller in every echo but it still wasn't closing so our family and friends fasted and prayed for it to close. On the next echo I really thought that it would be closed, but it had opened up again.. they decided to do a round of medication to try to close it but the doctors said there was only a 40 percent chance that it would work and we would most likely have to do surgery to close it. They gave you a dose for three nights and while you were on it they had to stop your feedings (which was disappointing because you were up to 7 milliliters every three hours.) On the second night Dr. Minton came in and decided to do his own echo and see if it was closed.. IT WAS! I cried.. I couldn't believe it was closed. A few days later they thought that they heard a murmur while listening to your heart so they ordered another echo to check, we waited all day for those results, and again I prayed so hard! The doctors were even planning the surgery for that night because they were all pretty sure that it was open. I remember your nurse rolled her chair over to us and said "Hold on I just have to tell these parents that their baby doesn't have a PDA! It's closed!" You are so tough its amazing! They said that there is about a 99% chance that its closed for good because it's been a week, so hopefully it is! More answered prayers for our miracle baby! 

I got there one morning and they told me that your x-rays looked bad and that you had something called P.I.E in your left lung and it meant that you had tiny tears in your lung. They told me thirty years ago if you got PIE you would die within 24 hours, but now days they could treat it. They needed to collapse your left lung and paralyze you so that you couldn't move or breath on your own in order for your lung to heal and they needed to do that for 36 hours. Dr. Minton told us "Your baby is a fighter, and he keeps trying to breath and fight, but right now I just need him to let the machines do the work for him." So they put you on your left side and gave you some medication that would paralyze you, and collapsed your lung. We came in on the third day and they told us that at about 3am you couldn't handle it anymore, you got up to 90% oxygen and they had to put you back on your back and re inflate your lung. When they got the x-rays back though it had healed! But the reason your oxygen had gotten so high was that you were only working on one half of your right lung! No wonder you couldn't handle it anymore!

You are 3 weeks and 2 days old today and will be 27 weeks gestation tomorrow! I think that I'm pretty much caught up so far so I will try to write you a new letter every day telling you how awesome you are! I love you so much and I thank Heavenly Father multiple times a day for sending you to me. I can't believe how lucky I am to be your mom and I can't wait for you to read these letters and know how amazing you are and how amazing Heavenly Father is for keeping you here with us.